The other day, I bumped into a Japanese friend of mine at a cafe. We had a quick 15 minute chat. Even though it was a quick chat, I felt that it was a good conversation. We basically talked about Japan, my previous student exchange program that I participated in Japan, Japan’s current state of affairs and its culture.
He told me that he had a younger sister. I asked him whether he has a good relationship with his sister. He said that his relationship with his sister was excellent, at least better than most other Japanese. In Japan, the relationship between a brother and a sister is not as close as a same-sex sibling relationship. He said that most people find it strange for a pair of brother and sister to go out alone because they would appear like a couple.
I was really surprised because I haven’t heard of that before.
After the conversation ended, I went through the motions of the conversation in my head. I realised that I enjoyed talking to him because he was a good listener.
He never interrupted. He always waited till I finished my sentence.
He always looked interested in whatever I had to say, always nodded to indicate that he is reciprocating.
He didn’t have the I-know-more-than-you look.
He didn’t look like he was rushing for time, even though he could possibly could have be.
All these rules are 101s but I guess, over the years, I forgot the basic rules.
When I was much younger, I think I was a pretty good listener. Probably because I genuinely believed that everybody had really interesting and wise things to say, at least much more interesting and wiser than what I had to say. I remember learning so much from so many people. I had excellent observation skills. I could remember people’s facial expressions, what they wore, the exact words they said etc simply because most of the time, I sat there observing and listening in. But over the years, I guess I’ve changed.
I know that I can be extremely attentive if I’m genuinely interested in the person’s topic of interest or if I think that he or she is an interesting person. If I think otherwise, I naturally won’t appear as interested in that person’s conversation.
Sometimes I feel like I talk too much. I noticed that I did that today when I was talking to a friend. In the midst of blabbing, I asked myself why did I do that. I think I talked to fill in the supposedly awkward gaps in the conversation. And I kept asking her questions. Asking questions about the other person is a good thing. But I think I asked the questions without really listening to the answers.
I’m not proud of that. Because I think this negative attitude has a lot of negative consequences. I believe that everybody has something interesting to say because everybody would have experienced something interesting or something different from you. You can learn a little something from everybody. So if you don’t grasp the opportunity to listen to them, you would have lost the
opportunity to learn from them.
So here’s 13 ways to become a better listener:
1. Stop talking.
2. Put yourself in the speaker’s shoes so you get a deeper understanding of where they’re coming from and what is driving them to say what they’re saying.
3. Focus on using inviting body language, such as making eye contact, uncrossing your arms, and turning your shoulders so you’re facing the person speaking.
4. Avoid thinking about what you’re going to say next.
5. Create memory triggers to assist your recall.
6. Be open minded and avoid passing judgment on the speaker.
7. Stop doing other things — all other things — while someone is speaking to you.
8. Reschedule the conversation when possible if you can’t remove the distractions.
9. Participate in active listening by encouraging the speaker with nods and affirmative words.
10. Take what is being said at face value and avoid focusing on the “hidden” meaning.
11. Don’t interrupt.
12. Summarize and repeat what you heard when it’s your turn to talk.
13. Ask for clarification to get a better understanding of what was said.
I got this list from here.
littlemisstrotter 